Joe: I’ve had an idea
Larry: (PAUSE) Oh?

Joe rolls his eyes.

Joe: (PAUSE) Yeah.   We’re going to open a ninety nine cents shop.

Larry: Oh…  Oh!  (PAUSE) Oh….

Joe: A shop where everything costs ninety nine cents.

Larry: Wow, that’s cheap, Joe!  I’d go there!

Joe: We don’t need to go there, we’ll be running it!

Larry: Yeah… yeah!  We’ll run it, and it’ll get real busy, and we’ll make loads of money, and then… we’ll run into it with the car and loot the place, and start shooting, and then…

Joe slaps Larry around the back of the head

Joe: No, you idiot!  It’s time to go straight… I’m getting too old for this jazz.

Larry: But… oh… oh…  (PAUSE) oh!  We’re going to get a cut of the business right!

Joe: Of course we’re-

Joe gives up trying to explain that part and moves on

Joe: Everything is ninety nine cents.  The schmucks come into the store, and they find some stuff, like that expensive shampoo that the ladies like, for ninety nine cents, and they get all happy, right?  Are you with me here?

Larry nods, pretending that he understands.

Joe: And then they figure, since I’m here, I’ll buy something else for ninety nine cents, as I’m making a killing here, right?  So they pick up some toothpaste, or some toys or whatever.  Now here’s the scam – most of the items in the store actually cost less than ninety nine cents.  I know a guy who “finds” lots of goods from China.  So you see, the customers think they’re making a killing, but it’s actually them who are getting slaughtered, left right and centre.  It’s genius, I tell ya, genius!

Larry: Yeah, you’re a genius, Joe, a genuine genius!  You know, I really wanna try that shampoo!

Karl hated Wednesdays. Since forever.

He had to deal with that certain pest every week. He so hated this day, Tuesday nights were full of anxiety and Thursday nights were.. not particularly that much better.

Then one day, the pest stopped coming.

Karl suddenly found Wednesdays quite relaxing and even.. a little boring.

Thinking about the week, Karl had no choice but to make a subconscious decision to forever more hate Tuesdays.

Edison Matthews discovered a method to teach even the most inanely stupid people maths, sociology and science. Humanity would no doubt reach a higher plane of existence.

Only an hour before he was due to present his paper to the UN, Edison was poisoned, stabbed, and shot in the head. His work was rubbished, deleted and burned.

The world continued as normal, and uneducated people continued to spend money on shit, never bothering to vote, still scared of man made ghosts.

The economy flourished.

It’s strange I can’t find a review of this instrument, and obviously it’s hard to trust any feedback left on amazon.com or other online shops.

I had recently found my RB1 guitar strum to be a bit faulty (which happens to most) and so checked with EA as it was under warranty. Go back to the store, they ALL will organise an exchange. Er… right, I called up Curry’s to check. They said yeah sure! Just bring it in for exchange or refund. I dropped by the Curry’s I bought it from. I asked an attendant – I said

• I don’t want to waste my time bringing my guitar all the way here, only for you to tell me something completely different. Can you give me a new guitar?
• Yeah sure! We have three in stock!
• Alright, I’ll be in tomorrow.

I warned the guy I would remember his name. He grinned and noted he wouldn’t be in the next day. I gulped. I returned the next day, boxed guitar in hand.

• We don’t have any guitars to give you, sorry, would you like a refund?
• WHAT?

Well, I took the refund.  I had noted a RB2 guitar on ebay…  Then today I noticed play.com was doing a half price offer on the beatles instruments (£80-> £40), and as I noticed that the RB1 guitar still sells for £40, there was really no good reason not to buy one.

So here it is. It’s actually a little bit longer than the Fender, takes three batteries, the effects changer is now a dial and quite simply, the damn thing is gorgeous to look at. But enough with the looks, what about the actual instrument?

The fret buttons are quiet. REALLY quiet. It’s lovely. The guitar hero guitar may be more accurate in the long run but they’re damn noisy with all that clicking. Won’t matter so much if you’ve got the game cranked up but for some peaceful strumming you’re in for none of that. The Gretsch’s strum bar is certainly firmer than the RB1 guitar (I have not tried the RB2) but there is still a little dead space – it’s still not anywhere near a microswitch.

I gave the guitar a little warm up with System of a Down’s Toxicity on hard mode.  No problems, apart from my brain spazzing out a little as I had been playing with the GH guitar while waiting for this to be delivered, which meant I had switched back to four finger fretting, as opposed to four finger and thumb fretting (a feat which can only be achieved on the RB guitars).  To be honest, only time will tell if the Gretsch can handle the punishment due, and if you just want to play these games accurately and can handle four finger fretting, you’ll probably want a GH guitar.  On the other hand, if you’re like me, and want to swagger with awesomeness, be able to use your thumb on the green fret and play clicking-noise-free, you should get a Beatles RB guitar.  Or be super smart, get both, and invite a friend over to jam, just to watch them stare at your Gretsch…

Now I don’t realllllly want to open this but if the strum bar gives way… then there’s always this option:

Undertaking a course at University for teacher training, I realised I had been given student status.

When the ID card arrived in the post, a lightbulb switched on. STUDENT DISCOUNTS!

I ran to go get my NUS card as I knew that this was the most widely accepted form of student ID. Hohoho the days of photocopies and sellotape…

So I’m looking for the application on the NUS site… and er… £7 charge? NUS Extra for £10? The lightbulb popped. Oh you can still get a NUS ID card for free, but no discounts!

Hi, did you know we pay shed loads more than the students last year? Hey screw that fam, let's put ourselves into more debt! Yay!

What the hell happened?

I remember going on the student march, protesting against top up fees. I remember lazy students staying in bed and other people not really paying much attention. I remember a news helicopter flying overhead. We had quite a massive march – it was national, all the students who cared were there. Still, it wasn’t enough. And now, those people who didn’t pay attention are paying through the teeth to get through their education. It’s not like I want to gloat and say “oh well I told you so”. It actually makes me sad.

It’s just another example of general apathy – the attitude where people are just taking every swing that the man throws at them, and are doing nothing in return. The man smiles, he knows he’s won. Or has he? What will it take for the people to turn around and hit back?

In this bleak time, companies cut corners and the government pays the bankers, even though we all know it’s their fault for gambling with OUR money. Why are we footing the bill? Hang on, when did students have to PAY for discounts? They don’t HAVE any money! Or was this part of NUS’s long term plan to actually make profit? Hmmmm?

Yes it does; I’m going to explain why and provide a solution, which I expect to be ignored, but that’s okay, I don’t really care what people think, because I’m a goddam bonafide maverick writer!

I’ve been to quite a few new shows, with new actors, new writers and not so new attention seeking directors. That’s the first problem with fringe theatre – it’s full of rich kids mouthing off without any concern for their audience. The second problem is that it’s so expensive to put on a show, you’re left with the first problem.

Alright, apart from the “rich kids” comment, let’s say you agree it’s costly, but what do I mean by writers not having “any concern for their audience”?

How many times have I been to new shows to see baffled or bored faces in the audience?  These very same faces will lie to the actors and team, telling them Oh yes, it was very good, it reminded me of… (insert the name of a popular film that has no link to the work whatsoever).  The audience didn’t get it, but the team didn’t care.  Should they?

While sitting around twiddling my thumbs moaning about the addictive qualities of procrastination, the following quote was recited to me:

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.

(Cyril Connolly, 1903 – 1974)

Here’s what I have to say in response:

Bollocks.

(Karl’s Imposter, living in the real world)

Let’s look at examples of many rich kids, poor kids, delusional artists and attention seeking writers who don’t care about what their audience expected.  Actually, I can’t be bothered.  I’m just going to speculate that most of them have disappeared without a trace.  Unless, that is of course, they have more money to keep putting on more of whatever they fancy.  Without success in the first production, there will be no faith in the second, there will be no support from the sponsors or funders, there will quite simply be, no more of that shit.  Even the arts council will tell you, they expect you to make a profit.  Artistic intentions – what?

This is the real problem with new writing.  New writers are so desperate to tell their story (and get a pat on the back), they forget about (or don’t even know) how to please their audience.  It’s bad enough they’re mostly lazy as hell, but once they get the chance to have their classic poetry read out on stage, in the middle of an urban comedy, by a character who can’t even spell, you can forget about talking any sense to them, and so they run on with their show, have the time of their lives, get a crap review, and with no chance of any further funding, sink without a trace.

How can we stop this?  Why am I even writing this?  I am tired of people thinking theatre is crap.  I am tired of people thinking theatre is for posh people.  I am tired of posh people pretending they like theatre they can’t understand in the slightest.

To make a good piece of theatre, to make a good film, to make a good anything, you’ve got make your audience think it’s good.  If you want to write for yourself and alienate your audience, that’s fine, I just hope you’ve got some money to keep going.  Don’t talk to me about art, have you not realised that next to each piece of work in a gallery, there’s a small card EXPLAINING WHAT THE FUCK THE PIECE IS ABOUT?  Theatre and film doesn’t really have that, there’s often far too much to explain for every word spoken (and the audience came to watch a film, not read a book). If the audience likes what they see, they’ll tell other people.  They’ll tell them that your work is good.  And that, my dismayed friend, is what they call… success.

Now that doesn’t mean you have to immediately burn that abstract script that you’re dying to put on.  In my humble opinion, the best thing to do is to first make work that the audience will understand or appreciate.  After you have made your success, nobody will argue with your bizarre idea, and will applaud you in advance.  You’ll put it on, everyone will scratch their head, and you’ll sink, albeit with some trace, and a sense of satisfaction that you expressed yourself to the widest audience possible. Don’t believe me?  Ok, easy example.  Think of Charlie Kaufman’s films, ahem, Synecdoche, New York.  How about Michel Gondry?  Think about the level of accessibility of each film they made…

That’s enough ranting for now.  I need to go and work on my cross dressing wrestling hospital drama, I’m 100% sure you’ll love it and understand the underlying message of distopian paralysis.