-No, I’m not doing it!

-I know what you’re thinking, you think I’m going to hate you-

-No!

-I tell you what, just get close enough for a kiss, you don’t have to kiss her.

-She’s your wife, you do it!

-That’s the whole point, she’s my wife, I can’t tell her… these things.  If you had a wife, I’d do it for you.

-No thanks, I’d do it myself!  She’s your wife… you share everything, you can tell her anything!

-You don’t know much about marriage, do you.

-Not the kind of marriage you seem to be in!  Just tell her the truth!

-Oh right, so you want me to go right up to her and say: “Darling, your breath smells of mouldy dates.”

-Yes!  She’s your wife, she needs to hear it from you, not a friend.

-You don’t know much about marriage, do you.

-Whatever!

-Alright… well how about if you have sex with her.

-What?  No!

-I need someone to tell her to trim her pubic hairs.  They’re a bit, you know,

-I don’t want to know!

-a bit like a shrubbery.  I’d prefer if it was… pruned.

-For the last time – I’m her friend, you’re her husband.  You tell her.

-I see.

-Good.

-You don’t want to tell her that her breath smells like barbequed racoon.  Fine.  How about if you put a mask on and robbed her?  Then you could tell her and she wouldn’t know it was you.

-I’m not listening to you anymore!  Lalalala…

-Alright!  Alright!

-Enough.  Yes?

-Ok.

-Good.

-You could sneak in at night, when we’re asleep, and whisper it to her.  You can stroke her hair, I don’t mind.