Here is a small collection of my experiences with submitting scripts to London theatres (in the years between 2004 and 2008):

Before you send that script

• Consider their audience
• Include a covering letter
• Get ready to do something else for a year

When you get your feedback

• Don’t kill anyone

Have you looked at what kind of plays this theatre puts on?  For example the Tricycle theatre stages political plays ONLY.  The Theatre Royal in Straford puts on plays for their community (i.e. ethnic minorities).  Don’t  send your play to a theatre that can’t sell it to their regular audience.

The covering letter: my advice is not to leave any stone unturned, make sure this answers any question that the reader may ask- that means explain all the obscurities to make the reader feel like they’re an elitist wanker who can snort at the poor mutt who’s scratching their head. Why did you write this script? What inspired you? Who is Godot? Why are they waiting? What does the red herring signify? Are you a ethinic sexual disabled minority? Why? Would this make the theatre look like they champion Mongolian lesbian vertically challenged people?

Generally, the waiting time is long.  However, the longer the better, as that generally means it’s been passed on for at least another reading. If you get it straight back, try not to slit your wrists because that generally means it’s not… er…  worth producing.  Mind you, those who wait a year generally get the same reply anyway, it’s just that more people read it.  Either that, or they will ask you to come in and work with a director (and sign away your rights).

On that note, I still don’t know how many plays that have been sent in by the public have actually been produced as opposed to theatre groups or individuals who simply hire out the space.  A lot of theatres rely on public funding.  What exactly are we paying them for?  To have an Eng Lit student practice writing a “sorry but no” letter?  Have we actually funded one of our own plays or has this money just gone elsewhere?

Er… anyplay, here’s the list, including feedback I actually received.  When you get that letter, don’t be surprised if they spell your name wrong or worse, misquote the title of the play.  Most likely, they’ll tell you it’s nice, but not suitable.

Generally, you’ll be pissed off, then sad for a few days, then you’ll realise they were referring to draft #14 – they don’t even know you’re now on draft #26!  Now THAT was the best version.  Better send it off then… in the meantime, suck it up and keep on trucking.  As you’ll find below, even if they do like it, this doesn’t mean they’ll produce it and give you lots of money…

Soho Theatre

One play took three months to be returned with feedback. Others took around a year. Soho are well known amongst writers for their anonymous reading farm. You’ll get a few lines (a paragraph if you’re lucky) about your play which will probably enrage you, if you haven’t explained yourself in the covering letter/notes that should have been sent with.  Here’s one of mine:

We were impressed by the stylistic inventiveness and the thematic ambition of your writing, but unfortunately, despite the strengths of the play, this is not a script we will be able to find a home for here at Soho.

I had a great experience where one script went missing for six months… yes, they are popular and get very busy… I’ve been in their office… try to image caged hounded beagles drowning in mountains of paper…

I’ve also noted how the literary assistant didn’t last very long in that post, an average of a year. I did bump into one who had gone on to be a writer for a fringe theatre group. He had read my script, along with hundreds of others. Makes you wonder where he got his inspiration from…

Once I even got feedback for somebody else’s play.  They loved it!  They really did – but all they did in the end was encourage the writer to keep writing…  Hmmm.

The Bush Theatre

Took a year.  They were very honest and to the point – they doubted the play I wrote would be suitable for their audience.  I liked this approach, I had no desire to set fire to them at all.

Royal Court

Olivier award winning playwright Grae Cleugh got his big break here, while Soho was still deciding what to do with the same script… showing how it pays to send your stuff out to everyone.   I remember their feedback being short and sniffly.  Well, it is the Royal Court!  Ah, here it is!

We were interested to read the script, which is imaginatively conceived and energetically written.  At the same time, we felt the play is not sufficiently focused or achieved.  The staccato verbal technique stalls the action in the piece, and also the relationships between the characters are unclear and confusing.

(18th June 2007)

Remember, you can’t go ringing up the theatre trying to argue – it’s like a review, the damage is irreversable.  If the play wasn’t clear or the action seemed to stall, either that’s the problem or the reader read it wrong or was in a bad mood.  There’s nothing you can do about the latter two!

I’ll also note here that a good writer knows how to quote to promote.  If you ever saw the old Karl’s Imposter site, you may remember the quote splashed somewhere that read:

“energetically written” – Soho Theatre.

LOL

Hampstead

Took about a year, and like the Bush, they mentioned their audience.  They also noted something like

Did you do your research about Hamstead?  Do you understand what we require? Is this sort of writing too difficult for you?  Go write for TV!

This made me feel warm inside.

Paines Plough

Took a year.  Note that they actually tell you that they rarely produce an unsolicited script. I think they just sent out a “sorry but no” blanket letter.  I think I burnt it.

National Theatre

This took more than a year to come back to me.  By that time I had well lost interest in the play, and at that time felt it was certainly topical, and had already started writing something completely new.

Theatre Royal, Stratford

They want plays that their multicultural community will be interested in.  They will respond within 3 months or not at all.

Frankly, just do it yourself.  Read the guide to producing your own theatre.